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Brain Dead

Washington D.C. (AP) — In the largest legal action of its kind to date, nearly 300 doctors in the Washington D.C. area have asked a federal court for permission to withdraw food, water and other forms of life support from their patients — all of them members of the House and Senate Republican caucuses.

In their brief, the doctors contend their patients have lapsed into a “persistent vegetative state,” and have shown “absolutely no signs of cognitive brain function” since September of 2001. All hopes for recovery are gone, they added.

Lawyers for family members of the afflicted Senators and Representatives asked the judge to reject the petition, saying the standard for withdrawing life support proposed by the doctors would permit the involuntary euthanization of almost 51% of the voting-age American population.

However, after reviewing the evidence — House and Senate voting records for the past four years — the judge agreed to take the matter under advisement.